Lesson: To thine own self be true.

In my last post, Lesson: Between Respect and Disrespect I referenced the word “Self” and even made a footnote stating that I’d post a lesson that would explain what I was referring to in more details. So here it is.

Sadly, this post is much longer than I intended. I have tried my best, with the aid of my wife, to shorten it as much as we could and keep it to the point. But this can be a difficult and complex concept, and we wanted to make sure we included enough examples to illustrate the points I am trying to make.

William Shakespeare was a man ahead of his time. Many of the plays and sonnets he wrote had such deep meanings that some of them are just now being fully understood. I must say that, to me, one quote stands above them all as the truest words I have ever heard… And it took me until the last few months to even realise it. My Mistress tried to teach me this so many times, and I always thought that I understood it. It seems like such an easy thing to understand. Well, I was wrong.

There is a slight difference in the definition of many words from Elizabethan English to Modern English. The words “Self” and “True”, in this context, are two of them.

**Hamlet, Act-1, Scene-3, lines 78-82: Polonius has spoken these words as a token of advice to his son, Laertes, at the time of his departure to Paris. He says:

Polonius:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!**

Reference: [http://literarydevices.net/to-thine-own-self-be-tru…]

I really dislike copying things from other sources, but the site I reference above does an excellent job of describing the meaning of this passage, and far better and shorter than I could:

“The audience of Shakespeare was well aware of the meaning of his words, though, in modern age, the words like “Self” and “True” have different meanings than that of during the Elizabethan era. In fact, this phrase implies multiplicity of meanings. The first meaning is that someone can better judge himself if he has done what he should or could have. The second meaning is that one must be honest in his ways and relations. The third meaning is that one must always do the right thing. Finally, keeping in view the character of Polonius in the play, many scholars are of the view that that by ‘True’ he meant beneficial; therefore, his advice to his son meant that he must think of his own benefit first.” Reference: [http://literarydevices.net/to-thine-own-self-be-tru…]

That all being well and good, I think there are a few more points to make to make it perfectly clear in the modern era. Part of this can be interpreted as being told to be selfish, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. So, I am going to break it down, as simply as I can, and hopefully, the result will do this justice.

The “Self” is a reference to who you really are. Your self is what lies inside of you, it is who you are as a person. It is not referring to what you are, the life you maintain around you, your physical being, or the face you choose to show others, the word for that is yourself. Please note that there isn’t a typo there. There is a space between the words your self the first time and no space the second time, and this was done because they mean two different things.

Another word I’d like to mention is, selfish. Think about it for a minute and this will make sense. What do you say when you see something that is very like something else but not quite? Such as you see someone wearing a shirt you like and want to describe to someone else. It is a red shirt, but not a true red, but you aren’t sure what to call the colour, yet you don’t want to say ‘red’ because it isn’t totally accurate, how do you say it? Most people say it’s ‘reddish’, because it is a shade of red, but not “red”. That’s what the suffix ‘-ish’ means, like something, but not. Now think of the word selfish, and realise what it is really saying is that it is kind of about the self, but not. In other words, selfish means something you do for yourself thinking that is about who you are but is only for what you are. A business man evicts 10 people from a tenement so he can knock it down, build an office building, and rent it to businesses at a higher price to make more money to improve his wealth and therefore, in his mind, his life. This does not benefit his self at all. It benefits his bank account, his wallet, his social standing amongst the elite of society, but it really does nothing for who he is. For one, there are 10 people now that are homeless and who likely hate him, one or more of which may choose to try and get revenge on him for what he has done. Another thing is many people who know he has done this won’t like him either on principle. So, this act of selfishness has already caused many people to dislike him. And having people dislike, or even hate you is not beneficial to you. Let’s add one more level to this example: One of the people this businessman evicted was an elderly woman, with little money and no family. She is now homeless and living on the streets. Two nights later she dies of exposure. Someone who knew her finds out about this and calls the news, the news investigates and finds it to be true. They then broadcast it locally. Now let’s say this businessman runs an international corporation. Local news of this kind now becomes national, and then likely international. Now the world knows what he has done and even more people will dislike him, including other businesses who will cease or not start any business with him. And we could go on and on and on… This one selfish act may have benefited his bank account at the time, but it may well have destroyed his future business – or at least caused major problems for him. So, there was no real benefit to his self in doing so, even though he may have believed so at the time.

Being true doesn’t mean always doing what is good for you. It means doing what is best for your ‘self’. That means in the present and in the future. Making enemies now because it is good at the moment, can easily backfire on you later. Being a jerk to someone who is a jerk to you may seem appropriate, but think about it for a minute. What do the people around you see? They see you being a jerk, and to many, that means you are a jerk. It’s not always easy to see that you are being a jerk only in response to a jerk, but it is easy to assume that you are just a jerk and that’s why you are acting like one now. This is particularly so if they don’t know you beforehand.

Being true to your self means being completely honest with your true self. It means doing those things that benefit who you are, who you want to be, and lead you to the inner life you want – the personality, confidence, honour, respect, moral and ethical codes, and it is these things that can improve your outer life. Not physically, not in the terms of monetary wealth, and not in the way of social standing. These are all temporary things, things that can be taken away by a single mistake, or wear, get old and break. This is about those things that can last forever. Things like Friendships, Love, Respect, and Chosen Family. More people respect who you are rather than what you are and what you have, at least the ones who you should want in your life, in my opinion. Personally, I’d rather have people in my life who love me, not for what I can do for them or what wealth I have or car I drive or the size of my home. I hope you feel the same way.

I know this has been rather long, but I wanted to make sure I made it as clear as I could. And I should note that I am not saying that being wealthy, having a nice car and a big house, is bad. Quite the opposite, having these things are good. What I am saying is that it isn’t if you have them or not, it is about who you are and how you get them. Sometimes you must say no to people, when doing for them would hurt you or your life. You must benefit your self, always, and sometimes that means saying no. But refusing to lend a close friend $20 to help him pay his rent just so you can buy that new wall-sized flat screen TV this week instead of next week… Well, maybe you should reconsider that, and think about what he will think about you when he gets evicted and sees that you have that TV the same week he asked for $20. Ok, so that is a bit of an extreme example, but I think it gets the point across.

Being the best person, inside, that you can be is always a benefit to you. Being decent and at least semi-polite to that jerk making a nuisance of himself makes you the better person and will always improve how most people see you – And that benefits you. Standing up to the bully who is hurting you or someone else, even if it might mean he could attack you and start a fight – That benefits you. Being honourable, respectful or at least decent to everyone, saying yes whenever you can and no when you must… All this benefits you. And that is what you should do – Always benefit your self, your true self.

Remember I have said a few times now – Saying no when you must. It is important to remember that because otherwise, you can turn yourself into a doormat and everyone will walk all over you and abuse the privilege of your kindness and generosity, and that does not benefit anyone’s “self” at all. Never forget that just because you might follow this lesson, not everyone will, and as such many will try and take advantage of you. Don’t let them, because that doesn’t benefit you, in fact, it hurts you. Be kind and generous, don’t be a doormat and let people walk all over you.

All in all, how you choose to react to any situation is completely arbitrary and dependent on that situation alone. But it is better to respond to a mean bully with strength and self-respect than to respond with anger and violence (but please do defend yourself if they choose violence.) It is better to respond to a jerk with a sly smile and a mildly sarcastic observation of his behavior, than to be a jerk to him in return (Such as, ‘My you must have a very low opinion of yourself if you feel the need to hurt others to make yourself feel like such a big man.’ Which is one of my personal favorite lines.) It is better to give to others in need (if you don’t hurt yourself by doing so) than to simply serve yourself and your own interests (You never know when you might need to ask for their help later.)

Be confident, know what you want and go out and get it at almost any cost, but just don’t hurt others to get there. Always put yourself first, but never put another person beneath you, even if they prove they are themselves. Always do what is right, always, even if it hurts you to do so. Never hurt yourself for another without a just cause that makes the sacrifice outweigh the hurt it may cause you. Always try and be the better man, don’t sink down to the level of those who try and hurt you. Always do what is beneficial to your “Self,” and do not just do what is good for “yourself” and your station in life.